This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Breaking news:
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved