every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!