You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
No way!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.