You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

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If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.


I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.


My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is


When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.


How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?


Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.


Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.


me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only


I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.


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