@kimtopher22

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

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@Neuronicism

If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.

@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@lisaandtots

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

@RainbowJohnJ

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@AbrasiveGhost

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