You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.