@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

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@gavinpivott

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@TheBoydP

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

@tuckerflodman

[CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!