A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You Might Also Like
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!