You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

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I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?


Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.


It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.


Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.


[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute


Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.


I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.


An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me