@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

- @daemonic3

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@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@6to12elbow

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

@_keels_

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

@GianDoh

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*

@generaldietz

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@4Crocs

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.