“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
#damn
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Something Saturday.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Cool shirt 🙂
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything