How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched