@envydatropic: You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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@McJesse: MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO: "You look so pretty." MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO: "You look so pretty... bUt i GueSs i'M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!"
@notacroc: [at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster