@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

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@KKAlThani

Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.

@tastefactory

Hey water enhancer company, you could have made your pineapple flavor literally any other color.

@TheCatWhisprer

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

@ellenfromnowon

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

@aka_fatman

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

@daemonic3

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

@the_rock_chic

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…