You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.