@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

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@McNevich

Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

@LittleMissAngr1

I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@Fred_Delicious

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

@MadamBetteNoire

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

@CelebrityChez

Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.