Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I hate this
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.