You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.


Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.


I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit


Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.


People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”


INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”