@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

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@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@13spencer

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@AnchorsAviators

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@baronvonbike

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”