@McNevich
Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
@envydatropic
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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@McNevich
@LittleMissAngr1
I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.
@junejuly12
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
@HonoredSpirit
I hate this
@Divergentmama
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
@TheBoydP
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
@Fred_Delicious
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
@vinnycrack
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
@MadamBetteNoire
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
@CelebrityChez
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.