@envydatropic: You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee] Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
@EndhooS: Doctor: Are you allergic to anything? Me: Cats Doctor: Anything else? Me: Grease Doctor: is that everything? Me: Most musicals to be honest.
@TylerLinkin: Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he's still in better shape than I am.
@HatfieldAnne: My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there's movement in my periphery, but I've got posture like a Marine.
@ruinedpicnic: me: maybe those nazi salutes... we're just them reaching for the stars... McDonald's manager: this is the fastest I've ever fired someone
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