You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.