You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.