@moooooog35

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

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@QwertyJones3

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

@michaelianblack

Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.

@LeBearGirdle

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

@lawrence_bear

Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@TitansHomer

My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.

Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone

@FredTaming

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.