You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.


Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.


*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you


Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.


Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.

Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone


boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.