You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help