“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.