You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Ken is short for chicken
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.