You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
When can I start eating bats again.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake