You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having