My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby