I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Herpes sounds like the name of a greek god
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.