@envydatropic

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

You Might Also Like

@YourMomsucksTho

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@SortaBad

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@ShanaRose21

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@noogscorner

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.

@Dawn_M_

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.