You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”


The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.



[takes tylenol and goes about the day]


[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim


Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money


My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.


[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?


Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.


Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.