You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.