@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

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@mrtiredeyes

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@weinerdog4life

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@ThaJawn

(rap battle)

Dr Seuss: *grabs mic

Everyone Else: *quits

@FunnyBison

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”