her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.