You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.