Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Just parrot things

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.