You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.