@JaymayAllDay: You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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@thepatrickwalsh: When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell "Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!"
@mikefossey: republican: taxes are bad democrat: they're good [i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it
@XplodingUnicorn: [5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?