You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
FRED: right
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
watergate? u mean a dam??
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The symmetry is uncanny.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
We decided to have money instead of children.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.