ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…
my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.