You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control

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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no


“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!


I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…

my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.


Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?


I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.