Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you