You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
He wanted to make sure😂
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway