@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

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@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

@Book_Krazy

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

@WryBry

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

@samalmightysam

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

@FredTaming

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

@LizHackett

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”