RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
You Might Also Like
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”