I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy