If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised