Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

🥲

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.