You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
How to make infinite energy.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
why I oughta
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?