You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.