My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
They must have gotten it to go.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.