I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Warm pools make me nervous.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE