Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?