@JohnLyonTweets

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

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@krisv_723

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

@SvnSxty

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

@FunkyFresh_79

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

@FilthyRichmond

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.