You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My kitchen overserved me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Poetry is my passion
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video