You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.