You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?