Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*
Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.