Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.