“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats
YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*
*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”
*already locked myself in the bathroom*
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.