@SocialExtortion

YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA

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@Kyle_Lippert

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

@onion_an

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@djdarrellripley

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

@BlueOnBlack72

I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.

@jiggynye

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

@iamWillemDafoe

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

@DaddyJew

Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.