@SocialExtortion

YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE I DO WAN’T TO MEET HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA

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@TimJohnish

“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats

@nutsaremixed

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

@Mr_Kapowski

*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*

@TweetPotato314

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

@truegritrumble

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

@nyquills

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

@ilovepie84

My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.