“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I WON A HAM TODAY
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?