You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
There are usually two types of merchants.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
i- i did not expect this
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*