Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says “LMAO,” it stands for “let’s murder Albanians overseas” and he wants his daughter back.
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed
In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”