@PhilNista

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

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@Fun_Beard

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@trevso_electric

If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says “LMAO,” it stands for “let’s murder Albanians overseas” and he wants his daughter back.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@stacywawa1

In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed

In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”