You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Running from your problems is cardio .
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.