@LanieLalaBugs

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

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@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

@karanbirtinna

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

@AdamBroud

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

@linanneblack

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

@hasht4g

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.