You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

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How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?


Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok


I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.


How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101


Cop: *searching my car*

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*


Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.