@PwrFulWmn

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

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@CheeseCasket

Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*
“Ok”

@sweetg35

I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

@Fred_Delicious

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@AthenaMystique

When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.

@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@ObscureGent

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

@xJLynn

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.