You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

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Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*


I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.


I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.


science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”


Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer


When cute black and white bears start communing with spirits, it’s pandanormal.


I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.


[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?


Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.