Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.