@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

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@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@pjux

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@ScorpionDong

Favorite cannibal movies:
3) Cannibal Holocaust
2) Cannibal Ferox
1) She’s Having a Baby

@novicefather

Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”

@VodkaThursday

Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.