@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

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@laurenthehough

Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.

@miffedmim

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

@dog_feelings

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

@UncleDuke1969

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

@UnFitz

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?