You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages