You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
We decided to have money instead of children.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
This was my dad’s browser history.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*