@FatherWithTwins

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

- @FatherWithTwins

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@andraswf

I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.

@mommywhitfield

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

@SatansTongue

*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

@WilliamRodgers

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

@LaetPO

Had a brainstorm, 32 neurons dead, 104 missing.

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@anerdonfire2

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.