You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?