“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI


No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.


I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.


me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way


“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”

Teacher: devil’s advocate?

Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.



Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die


I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.


[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
[chases him from room with broom]


Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke


*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate