@hyperblastchic

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

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@DamonHunzeker

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@thenatewolf

“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

@omaddiyo

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

@thegayfarmerguy

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@cervixsmash

The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO

@funnol

sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures