I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I feel it
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.