@gabbybendel

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

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@JPLFR80

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.

@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

@marginoferror

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

@hilary_ann_

I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.

@AIMMadellynne

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

@PolhunterP

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..